angelsdivine``

2007-11-19T14:06:00.000+08:00

I am bored.

Frankly speaking, if I had something to do, I wouldn't be blogging. I don't mean this in a bad way, but seriously... It's getting a little too boring at work.

Not that I am arrogant, but I think that blogging about my life can be pretty draining sometimes... I am okay with people reading about my life, but let's face it - All of us has little secrets in us that we do not want to publish for the whole world to see. Only God knows my little secrets and as far as I know, I am not ready to let these secrets go yet.

That is why when sometimes, some of my friends would ask me why I did not put up posts, it's because of this very reason. If I had very close friends, I would probably share my secrets with them, but there are only very few people who are close to me. Perhaps, just one or two. Of course, it takes a lot of trust to reveal what's in me. That's why my blog has always been empty, empty and empty. So empty.

I don't like to say that I am being pessimistic about things. I am not, just that I choose not to tell. Sometimes, I think talking/ blogging is a very draining thing to do. Once what you hold dear to you gets leaked out, some other people would pass it on to other people. And that's what I find really draining. People whom I trust leak out my dearest, dearest secrets out of their mouth carelessly. I dislike this. I hate this. It's been a long time since I have been truthful in my blog. But at least, I have got nothing to hide now. I am just simply saying what I truly feel about people out there.

It could also be because I am a complex person, and the way I think is just so... very confusing, complicated and contradicting. I like to look at things at many perspectives, but these so many perspectives always bring about chaos in my head. In other words, my mind is just like a mental battlefield.

I remember I did this personality test a few months ago... It is so true! Whatever it describes about me is just so true. I think if I had not changed to be more open about my feelings, I wouldn't be able to put up such a post, because people would think I am just being arrogant and all. But now, I am putting up this post for the sake of explaining why my blog is so outdated - almost all the time. Many a times, because I tried to protect other's feelings, I end up getting hurt myself. And I hate fear. I hate people to get angry at me, because I would fear, even when sometimes the fault doesn't lie with me. I want to protect people around me, that's for sure, but sometimes I don't do it properly.

Well, here's the report.

ISFJ Personality Type

ISFJs direct their energy towards the inner world of thoughts and emotions. They try to clarify ideas and information, particularly when it relates to people and important relationships. They are quiet, serious observers of people, and are often both conscientious and loyal.

What makes an ISFJ tick?

The Dominant function is the perceptive one of Sensing. Characteristics associated with this function include:
-Likes looking at information in terms of facts and details
-Focuses more on the here and now rather than possibilities for the future
-Feels comfortable in areas of proven experience
-Takes a realistic approach
-The perceptive Sensing function is introverted. That is, Sensing is used primarily to govern the inner world of thoughts and emotions. The ISFJ will therefore:
-Seek to develop a realistic understanding of the world as it is, in the light of what he/she observes
-Be pragmatic in nature, constantly learning to adapt to the world as it is now
Observe in a subjective way, selecting and relating facts that others would not, and seeing those facts more in terms of impressions and significance than pure fact

The Sensing function is primarily supported by extraverted Feeling judgement, That is, Feeling judgement is used primarily to manage the outer world of actions and spoken words. This will modify the way that the Sensing is directed, by:
- focusing the (inner world) Sensing on ideas and possibilities that relate to people
- expressing appreciation for the contributions of others, particularly where they have done or said something that the ISFJ sees as significant
- making decisions on the basis of values that support the ISFJ's understanding of the world
- reinforcing the subjectivity of observation
- The classic temperament of an ISFJ is Epimethean, or Melancholic, for whom a basic driving force is duty, service and the need to belong.

Contributions to the team of an ISFJ

In a team environment, the ISFJ can contribute by:
- working hard and efficiently to complete tasks by the deadlines set
- building team spirit through maintaining good relationships with each team member, being accepting of their contributions, and promoting harmony and co-operation
- contributing practical skills in organising people
- ensuring that everyone in the team feels valued, and that their needs are met
- asking for contributions from all team members, and seeking to arrive at consensus decisions
- maintaining respect for established hierarchies and traditions
- striving to ensure that people are happy with the service provided

The potential ways in which an ISFJ can irritate others include:
- avoiding conflict, and not giving criticism when it is needed
- not articulating his/her understanding of the situation
- not seeing the wood for the trees
- failing to state his/her own needs
- being too serious
- not promoting his/her own ideas or achievements

Personal GrowthAs with all types, the ISFJ can achieve personal growth by developing all functions that are not fully developed, through actions such as:

- articulating more of the ISFJ's own views
- developing a long term vision, that avoids focusing on details
- assertiveness training
- being more forthright, and offering direct criticism
- learning to promote the ISFJ's ideas and achievements to others, recognising that others may - well find them valuable
- undertaking a formal process of evaluation against criteria, including a cost benefit analysis

Recognising Stress

As stress increases, 'learned behaviour' tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISFJ will behave more according to type when under greater stress. For example, in a crisis, the ISFJ might:
- find a place of solitude in which to think and work
- value the efforts of others and appreciate their encouragement
- use tried and trusted means of solving problems, possibly failing to recognise the need for change
- use pragmatic solutions at the expense of the long term

Under extreme stress, fatigue or illness, the ISFJ's shadow may appear - a negative form of ENTP. Example characteristics are:
- being very intolerant of others who do not act competently
- suggesting impractical ideas
- being critical of others, and finding fault with almost everything
- having a gloomy view of the future
- being argumentative

The shadow is part of the unconscious that is often visible to others, onto whom the shadow is projected. The ISFJ may therefore readily see these faults in others without recognising it in him/her self.

Extracted from: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/myers-briggs/isfj.htm

2007-11-16T09:39:00.000+08:00

The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side

This, I so agree.
Having to work for close to 3 months, I think that studying is so much better. Why? Here's what I personally think -

1. You have more friends to interact with

2. Studying allows time to fly (Not exactly, just that time passes faster because you are so engrossed in your textbooks and friends)

3. You don't have to pay so much for transport (It's costing me at least $90/month)

4. Excercise is always readily available (Really depends on which institute you are in, but really, much depends on self-discipline too)

5. You don't have to think about what to wear to work or obeying the house rules (that is, if you are still in Junior College/Secondary School/Primary School)

6. Clothes that you have are never enough for you (Now I see why my mum has approximately 2-3 cupboards worth of clothes)

7. Freedom

Work is tiring me out. I think it's just because of the nature of my job. A little mundane. No stress though. What stress can you possibly have as a data entry clerk? Practically, none. But because it's so mundane, I have to drag myself out of bed every morning at 5.30am, even when I feel like I weigh a ton and could immeditaely fall back asleep in bed. But really, it is always the money that motivates me. Approximately $55 a day, for 8.5 hours, not too bad a job.

Nothing but work, work and work has been filling my head these few days. I am thinking of getting another part-time job. I must clarify - I am not a die-hard workaholic. It is the circumstances that my family has that I have no choice but to conform to working part-time. I am not really complaining, since the money I get will be put into my education.

Been a little stressed lately, looking at my mum's refreshing and vibrant personality fading away these few days. It aches me alot. Sometimes, I hate myself for being selfish. Especially when I lend my mum a sum of money, but I have to get it back because it's for my education in polytechnic. I wish I could just tell her,"Mummy, you don't have to return me the money. Don't worry about it." Unfortunately, that's not going to be the case. She's always so troubled over financial matters. I guess my part-time job also means I can take care of my own necessities (food, toothpaste, etc, etc). In that way, I'll probably be able to lighten her burden. I have to be selfish enough to get the money back from her. Otherwise, when I start my education in Polytechnic, I will have to ask for my allowance from her, which I haven't done since I was 14. So this sum of money is really... I guess, important to me.

Sometimes I think that if we were better off, then probably I wouldn't have to work so hard. In a way, working for my own keep actually gave me quite a bit of independence. And since I would be paying part of my polytechnic course fees on my own, working hard and to the best of my ability would be a voluntary reflex. I am tired. But I can't stop. Studying, is really, a blessing. That's what I think.

Many a time, I look at my mum's depressed face and I think to myself...

I have to study hard and do well, because Mum didn't receive adequate education and now she's slogging. And I want to relieve my mum of that. She deserves a better life for suffering for almost 20 odd years of her life. I can't stop at a diploma. It's not enough.

These may be just simple words... No action to it yet. But it's the determination that matters. Although Polytechnic education is the more expensive route, but this is one route I chose on my own. And I have to work for it, not alone - but with God's guidance and mighty strength. I won't regret what I have chosen. I have to carve a brighter future out for mysel fand all those around me, but of course, listening to God's advice as well. I can't do this alone. I know I need my God.

2007-10-11T07:40:00.000+08:00

Wasn't really in a good mood today.

What made it worse was a rude greeting from the MediaCorp toilet cleaner. She was mopping the floor in the toilet and I had to wash my hands. So I asked politely if the toilet could be used. Then she asked why I wanted to use the toilet in an agressive manner. I was shocked. I thought that this aunty has a nice personality, since I see her almost every morning on my way in. And so I told that I wanted to wash my hands and she promptly replied, with a hint of irritatedness, "kuai dian la" (It means to be quick in Chinese). And then a lady flushed the toilet and walked out of the cubicle, to my surprise. Why would she be so irritated about me using the toilet when there was another lady in there?

And I walked into the office. I decided that today I shall not talk as much to the leaders and to my colleagues. But I try to be usual. I greeted them, but only to be greeted back with them looking at me. I wanted to write cold looks, but it wasn't exactly cold.

Sigh, work starts, blog later then!

2007-10-05T11:57:00.000+08:00

Lunchtime. XD But I can't go off as yet, It's a minute to twelve. Hahas.

Anyway, a friend of mine asked if I could post this article/essay up on my blog... And I agreed. Seems harmless though. Here it goes~

Debt of Honour: Singapore’s Ties to Myanmar’s Junta
By
Benjamin Cheah
The crisis in Burma is escalating. For the first time in two decades, the people are taking to the streets. It started with protests against the doubling of fuel prices, and the sharp increase in prices of essential goods and services. *1 It has now become a call for democracy, and freedom. The military has seen fit to respond with tear gas, arrests, beatings, and live rounds. State television claims that there are nine dead. Witnesses believe that the true toll lies in the hundreds. *2The source of this turmoil lies with the junta in power. After seizing power in 1962, the then-State Law and Order Restoration Committee embarked on the ‘Burmese Road to Socialism’, an economic policy that has done nothing but to impoverish the people. The people are kept in line through intimidation, systematic rape, arbitrary detention, forced labour, and other tools of state terror. The junta and its cronies virtually control the nation’s wealth, making tremendous profits from sales of drugs, gems, and timber. This combination of poverty, inequality, and repression has exploded into the situation we see today. *3
That the regime was responsible for this is not in doubt. However, it could not have accomplished this without the assistance of other governments. In particular, one country has provided significant economic and military assistance to the junta, enabling it to restore ‘law and order’ while fattening its bank accounts. That nation is the Republic of Singapore.
Above the board, Singapore has done a lot of business with Myanmar. SingTel was the first firm to provide Burmese businesses and government offices with the ability to establish inter- and intra-corporate communications in over 90 countries. At the same time, all computers, software, e-mail services and telecommunications devices in Burma must be licensed, a nearly impossible feat in itself. Coupled with the prohibitively high cost of computers in Burma *3 , and it can be inferred that the regime is intent on denying communications technology to the Burmese political opposition. This act serves to further enrich the Myanmese elites, and strengthen their grip on power.Singapore invested S$1.57 billion in Myanmar in 2005, making her the largest direct foreign investor from the Association of Southeast Asian Nations. Since 1988, Singapore has invested about S$2 billion in Myanmar, mostly in tourism and the military. *4 Given that the junta’s cronies virtually control the legal economy, it’s safe to say that these monies have gone into their wallets, and into producing arms and ammunition. A substantial portion of Singapore's investments has gone into Asia World, a Burmese construction company, which is owned by drug traffickers and money launderers. *3, *4, *5Lo Hsing Han is the chair of Asia World, founded in 1992. Ostensibly a successful businessman, he has served as ethnic advisor to former Burmese Prime Minister Khin Nyunt, and continues to oversee his drug operations in Burma. It has been alleged that Asia World has been used as a front for drug trafficking. *3, *5 His son, Steven Law, is the firm's managing director, and runs various other firms, which happen to be subsidiaries of Asia World. *3, *5 He also reportedly handles his father's financial activities. 3 Steven Law married his Singaporean business partner, Cecilia Ng, in 1996. Using her connections to the government, she allegedly launders money for Burma's drug barons, in addition to other legitimate business dealings. *3, *5, *6, *7It has been further reported that Singapore allows Burmese drug barons to travel freely, the junta's generals to visit Singapore for medical treatment, in addition to turning a blind eye to shady financial practices. *3, *5, *6, *7 There is no doubt that a connection exists between the junta and the government of Singapore.This is not the end. The Singapore government has armed the regime. Singapore Technologies has built a state-of-the-art cyber warfare centre in Yangon. With it, the regime’s secret police can intercept a spectrum of communications, from telephone calls to faxes to e-mail, from over twenty countries *3, *5, *9, allowing them to keep track of political dissidents. On October 6, 1988, hundreds of mortars, munitions and military supplies were shipped to Yangon. They were marked "Allied Ordnance, Singapore", which is a subsidiary of Chartered Industries of Singapore *3, *8, *9 , now part of ST Engineering. The shipment also included license-built Swedish rockets, violating an agreement with Sweden that required authorisation for arms exports. *3, *9 The following year, Singapore acted as a middleman for a shipment of grenade launchers and anti-tank weapons from Belgium and Israel. *3, *8 In 1992, Singapore brokered a $1.5 million shipment of mortars from Portugal, violating a European Commission arms embargo. *3, *8, *9 In 1995, Chartered Industries of Singapore built an arms factory in Burma, now used to produce weapons for the Burmese military. *9 Singapore has armed the regime.These incidents are just the ones documented in the public domain. There could have been other shady deals in recent times, one of which could have surfaced to sting Singapore.On the 27th of September, a Singaporean was shot by Myanmese riot police. *10, *11 According to a photograph of a recovered rubber bullet *11, there are two legible English words inscribed on it: 'control' and 'rubber'. The official language of Myanmar is Burmese, with little attention paid to the English language; it is therefore highly improbable that the round was made produced locally. Europe and the United States have enforced sanctions against Myanmar, and have no reason to ship non-lethal ammunition to Burma. China, India and Thailand, Myanmar's largest trading partners, probably would not use English markings on ammunition, because there is little reason to mark ammunition in a language that ordinary workers probably could not read. But Singapore uses English markings on ammunition. Therefore, I suspect that the round was made in Singapore, and exported to Burma. There, it was used to shoot a Singaporean in the leg. If nothing else, this must be poetic injustice.The Singapore Government has allowed the junta and its cronies to get richer and richer, while the people have to bear with Third World living standards and systematic oppression. Singapore has turned a blind eye to international criminal activity operating out of Myanmar, whose ringleaders visit Singapore every now and then. Most damning of all, Singapore has sold weapons to Burma, the same arms that the authorities use to keep the junta in place. Singapore is therefore indirectly responsible for the current state of affairs in Myanmar.The world is watching. Singapore currently holds the chairmanship of ASEAN. ASEAN has condemned the junta’s response to the protests. *13 Singapore, in particular, is engaging in ‘quiet diplomacy’, and is backing United Nations envoy Ibrahim Gambari in his attempt to defuse the situation. *14 But this is not nearly enough.If Singapore truly wishes for an end to the crisis, and is genuinely concerned about the people of Burma, it is her duty to send a strong message to the junta. Singapore must declare, and cease, any and all arms exports to the military regime. Singapore must also impose economic sanctions on Myanmar, in particular targeting strategic resources and supplies destined for the military and the police. Singapore must withdraw all investments in firms linked to the regime, and its cronies. Singapore must also investigate all reports of money laundering on local soil, and prosecute the guilty to the fullest extent of the law. All assets belonging to the junta and its cronies must be frozen. Finally, Singapore must bar the Myanmese drug barons and junta members from setting foot in Singapore. These actions would send a more direct message to the junta than any other action by most other nations.Singapore owes the people of Burma a debt of honour. Singapore has the means to expunge it. What she needs is the political will to clean up the mess the government has created.“I, Benjamin Cheah, hereby release this essay into the public domain. I give full permission to anybody who wishes to reproduce this essay, in any form, to do so, so long as I am duly credited for the work.”Benjamin’s Cheah’s blog is at http://leounheort.blogspot.com/

Sources:1.) "Q&A: Protests in Burma." BBC News. 27 Sept. 2007. 30 Sept. 2007 http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7010202.stm.
2.)"THE TORRENT OF BAD NEWS." Yangon Thu. 29 Sept. 2007. 30 Sept. 2007 http://www.moeyyo.com/MM/archives/001004.html.
3.)Kean, Leslie, and Dennis Bernstein. "The Burma-Singapore Axis: Globalizing the Heroin Trade." Covert Action Quarterly (1998). 28 Sept. 2007 http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Global_Secrets_Lies/BurmaSingapore_Drugs.html
4.)"The Associated Press: Foreign Investment in Myanmar Dropped 12 Percent in 2005." BurmaNet News. 11 Jan. 2006. 28 Sept. 2007 http://www.burmanet.org/news/2006/01/11/the-associated-press-foreign-investment-in-myanmar-dropped-12-percent-in-2005.
5.)Ellis, Eric. "Web of Cash, Power, and Cronies." The Age 29 Sept. 2007. 30 Sept. 2007 http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/web-of-cash-power-and-cronies/2007/09/28/1190486569946.html?page=fullpage.
6.)McKenna, Michael. "Singapore's Hand in Golden Triangle: Australian." Singapore Angle. 23 Nov. 2005. 28 Sept. 2007 .
7.)Casanier, Francois. "Kun Sa's Surrender, a Narco-Dictatorship in Progress." Khun Sa's Surrender, a Narco-Dictat. 13 Jan. 1996. 29 Sept. 2007 http://www.ibiblio.org/obl/reg.burma/archives/199606/msg00168.html.
8.)Ashton, William. "Myanmar and Israel Develop Military." Myanmar and Israel Develop Military. 29 Sept. 2007 http://www.ibiblio.org/obl/reg.burma/archives/200008/msg00005.html.
9.)Barnes, William, and Bruce Hawke. "The BurmaNet News: July 23, 1998." The BurmaNet News. 29 Sept. 2007 http://www.burmalibrary.org/reg.burma/archives/199807/msg00515.html.
10.)"MFA Says It's Appalled by Violent Act Towards S'Porean." The Straits Times 28 Sept. 2007. 28 Sept. 2007 http://www.straitstimes.com/Latest%2BNews/Singapore/STIStory_162149.html.
11.)Htike, Ko. "Ko Htike's Prosaic Collection." Ko Htike's Prosaic Collection. 28 Sept. 2007. 28 Sept. 2007 http://ko-htike.blogspot.com/.
12.)DSCF7041.JPG. 28 Sept. 2007 . (From source 11, under post on 28 September)
13.)Pereira, Derwin. "Asean Rebukes Myanmar Over Use of Force." The Straits Times 29 Sept. 2007: 1.

14.)Pereira, Derwin. "Important to Avert Violence: Goerge Yeo." The Straits Times 28 Sept. 2007: 7.

2007-09-25T12:48:00.000+08:00

Yes, yes, lunch break now.

*Sigh* You know what? NEVER sign a contract until you know YOUR benefits and CPF and all the minor, minor details...

I signed the contract without prior information on the job scope, benefits, etc... So... yeah. I only have myself to blame.

3 days leave. When you get an MC, that's one leave gone. Why? Because there's no MC benefit. :( After working for so long, I found out this sad sad fact. So... I might have to say bye bye to church camp... Unless I pray hard that God keeps me healthy and going strong!

7 more minutes to the end of break. 4 hours and 3 minutes more to work ends.

2007-09-17T07:36:00.000+08:00

Yes! It's rotting. I know, I know.

That's because I haven't had anything interesting enough to blog about. Heehee.

Anyway, yes, I've left JC. Of course my life seems to be much happier, because I now get to do what I've wanted to do all along.

Right now, I'm just sitting in front of the screen typing away at work. How's work, you ask. I'd say... Mundane, but fun.

Mundane because I type for 8.5 hours a day. Fun because... I don't know. Just a random feeling that it's fun. =] Working here has been really quite a good experience. Not too bad at all, at least. I got to see how they operate, even though I'm not in their department. Heehee.

But it seems like everyone's late today. 7.41 am. and there's only 4 of us. Haha. Blog later. Starting work soon. Haas. Going to exercise my fingers a bit. =]

2007-05-23T16:43:00.000+08:00

As I sit right in front of the computer now, whatever that's typed in here are thoughts that ran through my mind as I made my way home from school.

I am tired. I am wrestling with myself once again. I am struggling, suffocating. I have sunk into the deepest, lowest point of my life right now. Any resistances I put up, it becomes futile. The last time I felt this way was 2, 3 or even 4 years back. I am sinking into who I was. I am tired of talking. Talking is a chore for me. Talking is irrelevant. And this blog - is just where I vent everything, throw out everything.

It's all mental. That's what I told myself. Me falling sick all the time, getting all the headaches, dizziness, flu, cough, fever. It's all mental. Looks like I enjoy falling sick and feeling this way all the time? No. It's torturous. And here I am, venting my angst, worries, fear, stress heree so that I can go peacefully to bed and sleep it off.

This dangerous trigger that no one should pull, was pulled. Not by a person, but by a movie. And just as I was well on my way recovering, a person came along the way and pulled the trigger again. Double the pain. Yeah, and that's today. As much as I would not like to mention any of these things to anyone, because it's shameful, embarrassing, irrtating, somehow never in my life I thought if I went to JC, no one would know anymore. But that's so wrong. Suddenly, I am weary of crying, crying and crying. One thing that it goes to show: I am mentally weak. And I really am. It's a fact that I acknowledge. Many times I want to cry, but I find myself holding back my tears desperately, because it would just mean I am weak.

I skipped choir. I came home. No point going there with a forlorn face and a system shut down. I wouldn't be able to concentrate with the headache anyway, I felt like throwing up, but once again, it's all mental. As long as my mind thinks like this, with regard to the slightest tinge of illness I feel, they explode into a series of illnesses that just make me feel worse. And what is that that makes me feel worse? My friends are there, in choir, slogging away, singing their lungs out, and here I am home, resting. Idiotic, isn't it? And suddenly, I don't want to talk anymore.

I am well aware that there are friends out there who truly cares about me, but... I think this is my baggage. It's something that I have got to carry and throw it off my back alone. I am thankful to them, especially someone, for all the encouragement, all the time spent with me. It's a great relief to know that people are there for me when I really need them, but sometimes, I have a serious deficiency in trying to express myself. The silence is just too hard for me to bear. But I can't help it. The challenge is tough. It's so tough, it's a hindrance. And this hindrance is going to take a lot of time. This hindrance is one that is for me and only me to bear, because it's really hard for me to cry right in front of anyone right now. If I do cry, I'll never stop. And I don't exactly like crying. The more I try to stop these redundant tears from falling, the more they do.

To add to my already troubled mind, GPP was a flop. My heart dropped. Now, we have to redo it. And the thought of it just makes me feel sick. All those efforts went down the drain. And this is why I am home. To clear off and cool off. If I don't, I think I will really metamorphosize back to who I was in the past, and that pain, is one of the worst pain I ever experienced in my life. I have been sleeping more than usual. It's a bad sign. Mental tiredness always make me sleep more than what I need to cover for physical tiredness. If I sleep more, I am just going to run away from whatever is the problem now. Correction. Whatever are the problems now.

All complaints done.
Next, bathe and sleep. (and never wake up came to my mind, but it's a silly thing to do, really.)

2007-04-27T00:18:00.000+08:00

While mugging up for Econs test tomorrow, I think I want to take a break by blogging.

I really wonder if I can pass my Bio test tomorrow! LOL! Actually "today" to be exact. I don't intend to sleep until I finish reading my Econs notes. I don't intend to study for Bio either. If there's a higher probability of passing Econs, I'd rather study Econs. But that doesn't mean I won't do my best for Bio. I'll just read up the notes if I can. =]

Anyway, Choir ended at 8.15pm today... Mum flew off to Thailand, so I had to settle my own dinner outside. Lol. The bunch of us (Mushi, Yi Xuan, Kenny) decided that we should just mug together... online! LOL! But I don't think I am going to sleep until like 3 am. Jia youu! Let's pass Econs together, at least! Wootz! There's still maths tutorial, but I think I am just going to try and extend my tutorial deadline again.

Jac was feeling upset, and I tried to help her... I wonder if I did though... I hope I did... I actually know how she feels, but I think, on my blog, if she happens to read this, I just want to tell her this - Like what Ms. Ong said, let's put the passion we have in singing into the songs. That way, the songs can shine. =] Yeah. So what even if you're an appeal case student? As long as you have the passion for singing, and listen to the midis to get the pitch right, I think we all can make it! Yeah, jia you, choir! It's not the GOLD we're aiming for, it's the passion and the joy we have in singing. =]

After talking to Jac, somehow, I don't know why, but I got rather worked up. It's not her fault, but it was just this sudden gush of emotions overwhelming me. I felt irritated that I had to fall sick, because it had caused me to miss choir practices, and... I was quite upset when... Ms. Eunice told me some stuff... Yeah. She made me sound as if I did not go for choir practice on purpose... But oh wells. when I kept thinkng about it, I just got more irritated. Suddenly, I had this fear for choir. I had the thought of quitting. I was scared, so scared that when I saw the sop girls doing extra practice, I avoided them.... I was so stressed, because of the tests that's going to be taken in a few hours' and because of voice check. I felt that I wasn't going to make it. ... Thank goodness Ken Han helped me out of my misery quite a bit, because I was really tensed up and I couldn't even study for Econs... So, yeah, thanks, Ken Han. =] Everyone else whom I was close to were having lessons, so I was pretty much alone. I was afraid of joining the others, because it would mean more stress and pressure. And I have this irritating sore throat that's bound to develop. Argh.

Well then, think that's all I have to say today. But... I think I am loving 0716 more. And it's you people in choir who keeps me going in choir. Thank you! =]

2007-04-20T21:04:00.000+08:00

Been wanting to put up more posts, but I've been too tired to do so. But I guess I can't really complain that I am tired, because everyone else is tired. So, let's be tired together and get a gold for choir...

Speaking of getting a Gold for SYF, I can really feel the stress and pressure now. It's auditions tomorrow... And I am trying to mentally prepare myself, and not have expectations that are too high. I don't want to have high expectations of myself, then fall and hurt myself again. Been trying to muster all my confidence, but it seems like I am really not prepared. My Sop tone is too piercing (not using singing voice because I have no idea how that works), mezzo tone is alright, and... pitching seems to be a little off too.

So I left choir early because of some family emergency, and I while I was walking back in the dark, I begun to really think about what I want. Then, I thought, its not just what I want. It's what God wants... Yet, I still couldn't put aside my worries for the audition tomorrow. I can still remember what happened for the previous audition... I got too scared to sing in front of Miss Ong, and just had no confidence to sing after a G note. I was so scared, my lips were trembling and she made it all worse by placing her hand on my jaw to stop my lips from trembling. Anyway, she told me I'd definitely be in Sop. Just a few days ago, I got my voice tested again, and Jac said I am probably better suited for Alto. Goodness? Where am I to be? But I don't mind going to Alto, because I have close friends there. And the Alto girls are really a great bunch of people!

While I was heading to meet my Mum, travelling back to SK, Yixuan caught up with me. Initially, I didn't want to speak about my thoughts because I was feeling really down. For no reason. I guess it's just mood swings, lol. All because Zi Jie passed it to me (from yesterday night)! LOL. But somehow, I managed to open up a little and I was just talking about how much I have been thinking whether to participate in SYF or not. I seem to be pulling the Sop section down. But after talking to Yixuan, I felt much better... What I decded to do is... Just listen to the midis, take note of dynamics, sing along with midi, train my voice a little and just do my best... And leave the rest into the hands of God. Whether I get in or not, I stand to gain. IIf I get into SYF, I have a jolly good time working hard and singing my lungs out and get a proper award for choir share my joy withthe choir peeps and get a beautiful remark on my SGC. If I don't, well then, concentrate on the upcoming Bio and Econs Test, study hard and get good results. It's a one way thing. It's either this or that. Jia you! I think I am just going to do my best. =]

I was glad I decided to not get an early leave form from school. Because it I did, I would have probably met my Dad. That's the last thing on my wishlist. I heard about how my Mum and Brother encountered my Dad on their way to the lawyer's office. And thank God for all He's done and planned in my life, I am glad I wasn't with my Mum at that point of time. I think I would have blanked out and probably cried if I saw him. The last time I saw him was about 9 months ago. If I can, I would never wantt o see him again. Up till this point in time, I am still unable to forgive my Dad for what he has done... At the same time, I pity him because I heard he lost a lot of weight... At least if he lived healthily and well, I would probably hate him more, but he can't make me completely detest him now because he made me pity him. And I would always tell myself that it would do myself some good if I can forgive my father. But what's the point of forgiving when he doesn't repent?

In the same way, I thought about howgod might feel. I am such a great sinner, but He still forgave me and accepted me as his child. He still sees that I am pure in His eyes. But, I just can't do that for my Dad. Maybe I need more time... If God could forgive my sins, than... All the more I should forgive my Dad. Sounds contradictory, right? "How long will it take for me to forget this?"

This pretty much sums up my day. Oh yeah, Maths. Whoa. I am having a tough time with it! Argh. We'll just see how far I can go with Maths. Haha. =)

2007-04-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

Decided to post yeaterday's concert's happenings. Was too tired yesterday to post, so here I am! I couldn't concentrate during lectures, and kept counting down to the concert, haha. I just couldn't help but feel nervous. Yet, I was tired. I don't think I like the feeling of feeling tired, excited, anxious and eager. It's a feeling that makes you feel as if you are hanging in the midst of everything, like you're not here, and yet, you're not there. You know? Lol!

I wanted to stay for Maths tutorial, since I couldn't do the questions, but I couldn't stay because time was up and I had to leave to ensure that I get enough rest. But at the same time, I wanted to leave because I was expecting myself to not be able to concentrate, lol!

When we got to VCH it was horrible. It was pouring and pouring. And I just thought, well, what a good day to rain, especially when it's FRIDAY THE 13th. Lol. But I shouldn't be so superstitious. Oh well. And I was really eager at that point of time, because I was hoping that people would really come and support my first ever performance... Good news! Our tickets were actually sold out! So we got full house. =]

We had to rush everything, I guess the guys were more relaxed, because they didn't have things like making sure your hair's properly done, make-up, gown, shoes, etc, while we had ALL of those. Being a girl can be really irritating at times, but because we are girls, we do enjoy dolling up ourselves. Haha, even Ann Nee agrees with me. Wait... Was it Yasi or Ann Nee? Gosh, can't remember. Anyway, I don't know how I managed to do my hairstyle, somehow I was just experimenting with my hair one night before the concert, and it turned out well, so I decided to just do that hairdo. Woot! I'll post up a picture of a family photograph once get them from my cousin. =]

What made me really happy was... I saw people I knew amongst the crowd... But of course, could only see them while I stood on stage. Haha! While we were perfoming Tres Cantos, I saw Nicholas pointing at me and laughing... ARGH! I was supposed to keep a straight face, but he just kept laughing and that made me want to laugh! I did, actually, but managed to get back into the srious mood o fthe song. So, next time if there's another concert, I am going to just look at the conductor and forget about looking for my friends/family among the crowd! The first few songs we did was horrible. We were rushing through them. Even Ms. Ong couldn't stop us from rushing through. Sopranos sounded horrible, but I guess no one could have helped it, because we were nervous. TOO nervous, in fact. But people couldn't tell what mistakes we made... So I guess it's okay. But we have got to make sure that that doesn't happen for SYF, especially when the judges are professionals! Jia you, NYJChoir! Woots!

After intermission, when we got up the stage once again... I heard people cheering for choir members. The thought that cam eot my mind was, "Will my friends cheer for me?" Then, I decided to just dismiss the thought because 75% of me was telling myself that that would not happen. Towards the end of the cheering, I heard shoutings. And then I heard my name! At that point in time, I was so glad, I kept smiling. This is the first time my heart truly leapt for joy. I never expected my friends to support me in this manner! During the second half of the concert, it was, of course, more exciting as there were more movements. I truly enjoyed my moment on stage though... I thought I had lost my voice and can't possibly sing, but amazingly, I did manage to sing and do warm ups... Thank God for that. =]

Encore. I was hoping to hear that word. I wanted to just jump off stage and give everyone I see a hug. We weren't allowed to go off-stage to speak to our friends and family who came, so I was hoping people'd call for Encore, so that at least we could move down the aisle while singing. And it DID happen! Haha. As I was walking down the aisle, I was worried that I may go off-pitch. I've been too dependent on listening to the person next to me singing the Sop 2 parts... It'd be very embaressing if I went off pitch. Haha, amazingly, I didn't go THAT off pitch. But seeing my church friends, friends and family, really made me happy. With just their presence, I felt that they were supporting me and that nothing else is needed.

What's more... I never expected myself to receive flowers... I knew Chu Xian and the others were going to get them for me, but... I never expected to get like 18 stalks of flowers! It's the first tiem i got so much! I was really happy because it just goes to show all the support I got from my friends!

These are the flowers from:
4 stalks of roses - Nicholas
1 stalk of rose - Chu Xian
1 stalk of rose - Jia Hua, Xue Li, Gina
1 stalk of rose - Erwin
1 stalk of rose - Jasper
1 stalk of rose - Da Jie
1 stalk of rose - My dearest BROTHER!
1 stalk of rose - My hamster, my mum!
1 stalk of rose - Gary
1 stalk of white rose - Sediments! (Sort Cheng)
1 Lily - Rocks! (Ying Ying)
1 Sunflower - Jazlyn!
1 stalk of rose - Bryan
1 stalk of Gerbera - Yin Yin
Another last stalk of flower - Must be someone whom I mentioned in the list of people who came!
A little bear - Rocks!

I'd like to extend my thanks to all who went and those who tried to go but couldn't. You guys rock. Thanks to Sort Cheng, Ying Ying, Chu Xian, Nicholas, Gina, Xue Li, Jia Hua, Bryan, Yin Yin, Amelia, Erwin, Kelvin, Paul, Hwee Ling, Jazlyn, Gary, James, Hui Yun, Maddie, Ronald, Zi Jie, Glenda, Jerome, Nathaniel, Nathanial and last but not least, Daryl, for going! You guys really made my day. I've never felt so happy in years! oh man, the excitement's still within me! Haha. And of course, there's my lovely mum, crazy god mum, my fatso brother, my caring da jie, elephant san jie, practical cousin, Dominic, compassionate second aunt and my eldest nephew. Woots. It was great hugging everyone at the end of the day... Gosh, now I can't just express how much I love everyone!

2007-04-10T22:24:00.000+08:00

Tiring. Just got home...

Nothing much in particular today....
Just that I felt upset. I'm always wondering... Why is it that people always walk past one another without saying "Hi", or even wave, even though we know each other? It's been happening to me recently, and this hurts... A simple action like this could jsut brighten one's day.

Sometimes I feel that maybe I should not talk. Been feeling that I have been saying redundant things to friends. In fact, I have been feeling misplaced. Perhaps I shouldn't have been in 0716. It's like... I don't fit in at all. I don't know how to crack jokes, have no wish to use vulgarities to fit in, I have not enough intelligence to stay in a all 4 H2 subjects class.... I totally don't fit in. I am starting to feel that I don't even belong in Nanyang. But I just kept holding on to the hope that God has placed me in Nanyang for a purpose... Ah wells, I think I'll just take things one at a time and see how it goes.

Choir. Had choir today. Ended at about 9 pm. The thought of me not being able to do up my own make-up makes me upset, because my face is bound to look like a babboon's butt on Friday night. How eww. I was actually feeling upset the whole day, and I brought these emotions with me to choir... I actually feel misplaced in choir... Misplaced in Soprano. I don't seem to be close to who I was close with last time. No one cracks jokes anymore. Maybe because I am a lousy joker. But that's what I am. I want to be myself. Why should I even try so hard to joke just to fit in with everyone else? I am who I am. And when I am commentless about things, I am commentless... But being commentless might just lead to my friends thinking, "I am not interested to talk to you, because I am facing just a dumb wooden block". That's how I feel about myself at least. But I want to be myself.

Misplaced in Soprano because.... Everytime, I find my voice going hoarse at the end of every practice.... I don't even sound like who I am anymore. I sound horrible... And as hard as I try to learn the right techniques, I end up straining my voice, and making my SL worry about me. Of course, I'm glad they are worried, at least I know they care. Most importantly, Jesus cares...

Nonetheless, the only reason why I am staying in choir despite my difficulties (not having enough sleep, hoarse voice, etc.) is because of friends and God. Though sediments and rocks left choir.... There's still my Alto friends whom I am close to, and are ever ready to embrace my troubles and welcome my tears. And though I am the only Soprano in their group, but at least I feel comfortable. It's only when I am with them, I am myself. Thanks so much to Xin Ying, who readily embraced me and encouraged me to stop crying, because I felt so misplaced in Nanyang... I am always lying to my friends in 0716, putting on a mask, and smiling away, pretending I am happy, but I am not. It's easy to hide this fact from 0716, but hard to hide it from choir, because they noticed that I have been feeling down recently...Thanks to Kaibin who tried to cheer me up... But sorry for the refusal for you to listen to my problems... =\ Didn't mean to be bad. But I didn't want to cry in front of Kaibin, because I have been crying enough and troubling choir enough. I think I am bringing my entire Soprano section down...

But anyway, I feel better now... Thanks to people out there who are really allowing me to be myself, like Xin Ying, Eileen, Angela, Jacqueline.... Love you girls! And thanks to Kenny Pebbles for the Strepsils! =] At least right now, you guys are giving me the strength to stay in Nanyang, to persevere through the rigorous vocal practices...

And for all those who are going to NYChoir Concert, Apassionata... I really thank you guys for the support because it's what I need most right now.... And... lastly, not forgetting those who are supporting me in their hearts. I know that even if I feel misplaced, I have to carry on because of all of your support. =] Thank you.